Please treat this post with respect and the seriousness it deserves, my life and condition is not something that should be honoured without understanding
I am 30,an Aspie and I understand your frustrations, and want to relate by telling my story as accurately as I can without writing an autobio'.
I was diagnosed around 5/6 years ago and I never found or received any real help, and felt guilty and disgusted with what problems my "illness" caused, which led to me becoming suicidal and caused irrational thought and unconsolable feelings of guilt and self hate.
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| I secretly kept my feelings to myself, feeling that no one would understand. |
At first I was in disbelief that a condition like this so horrid could really exist and be inside me, like an unstoppable force!
Even my parents and my boss thought I was just making excuses and that I was lazy and purposely disorganised without priorities, and I would often spend hours away from civilisation to calm down, and even turn up to work then dissapear, sometimes without even having eaten for 24hrs or even washed or changed clothes. I was hitting the bottom, and hitting hard, and nobody knew what to say or to help me, I even lost a major friend as they could not cope with the effort needed in helping me any further. I would often ignore advice thinking I knew better or that they did not have the right answer as I worried so much that no solutions were possible in my mind except to exploit myself and cry inside, through work and the relationship in silence, it seemed not even God knew what I was going through, or even really cared enough to know or understand!
Shortly before I was made aware of my condition by a co worker, but because Aspergers was not well accepted or recognised as well as it should be, I was left in the dark about how to help myself. A lot of my actions and inactions made me feel deprecated. And not included, even paranoid, and always frustrated with what this condition causes me to think unconventionally and perceive things wrongly or in a confusing way to peers.
In the end I felt no alternative in this alien world but to admit myself to hospital for not being able to cope with the ups and downs of an abusive relationship!
I went though the prison like lifestyle of mental wards, and ended up by the stresses of life and the relationship, oh and a very timid and kind friend being murdered by thugs in a park, I have always felt so.
I am now married, to a new lady in my life, a very intelligent, beatiful, caring and thoughtful BSc, a divorcee with 7 children, all scared by an abusive husband and father.
But this was a lady who I knew was special, someone who knew what to expect from me, to some degree, but more than anyone I knew, who knows what to say to and to do to help me succeed in life. I felt confident from the moment I met her, and I felt a compulsion to introduce myself to her in a night club, which is something I would be normally terrified to do, let alone being there, and I can only justify why and how by testifying that God had finally reached out to me and touched me through the holy ghost, compelling me to dance and approach her, and I knew then that I had found the right person to talk to, to confide in and believe in me and not think me stupid or lazy. I really felt an unexplainable, unique and reassuring spark and warmth that made me shine!
Religion aside, I proposed after two weeks, but as my Apergers became more embarrassingly apparent, It began to 'take over' and destroy our wedding plans and my plans for the big day. But long story short, my wife. has told me she loves me very much, which of course I do, but often says she cannot cope with how I react to her and her children. I find myself in a constant battle of words, principle and ethics.
Things are not as good as I hoped, and my condition almost destroyed the wedding instantly as I found my self less able to organise than I had thought, which has taken a long time for me to successfully explain.
I am told I am bipolar by her, and I believe it, because of my ups and downs, knee jerk reactions of leaving the house immediately for hours on end, even without adequate clothing, a phone or apparel, and my straight faced attitude in times of upset and confusion between us do not help her feel loved by me when she needs re assurance, as I have no idea how to react and freeze, hide feelings, and miss cues!
I feel like a freak at times and an ogre without any self control over my actions, and often upset her and her children with my harsh words of obsessive correctiveness!
Also was made redundant before meeting my wife, but was confident of being able to support the family as I had just had a a successful job interview in the sector I dreamed of working, and in high spirits and with a feeling of prosperous future, proposed, only to find 4 weeks later that the position no longer existed.
Since then I have been jobless, with a housewife who is forced to rely on benefit, for reasons related to her past marriage, living under her support as the bill payer. I get jobseekers allowance, and barely have enough to pay constant fees for my overdraft which I had agreed to before I lost my job, and a monthly phone contract I cannot escape.
I admit my Aspergers related problems led me to overspend on entertainment, technology products, drinking, smoking and leisure, but I decided to give up smoking and drinking the moment I met my wife, which I have stuck to and keep it my duty to avoid as I found God once again and was re-baptised after I became engaged.
My wife is a teacher, but often suffers deeply with the children when my condition takes over, and she has even suggested that I seem to be two different people, which I hope is the Bi polar and not something I dread to mention, which led her father to suicide.
I am now married into a very fragile family, who can be very self preservational, in an extremely defensive, sometimes even in an offensive feeling way. I don't blame then after what they have been through but my condition makes it extremely hard to accept the often irrational and seemingly arrogant behaviour I witness from the children as a result of their father's actions, and their policy of not wanting a step father (more the need as a passive friend, I am told).
My wife has many fears that have dragged themselves from her past and into her life with me, which can be incredibly painful for both of us to cope with when those fears are triggered. We are both aware of eachother's perso al afflictions and expectations, but often find ourselves breaking down. And when my wife is in the middle of an altercation with me or is calmed, I will find it very hard to reciprocate any love expressed, like kissing and hugging, and sometimes find it hurtful somehow, as I would still have feelings of insecurity about our future and feeling that I was not really understood but rather told what I was thinking, even thought I'd close up and she was just trying to figure me out! And I'd stay closed up and hold back my tears as I would feel ashamed and worried that I'd be thought of as insulting and not just spilling out my honest straight down the line feelings.
My wife already has a teenage boy with suspected Aspergers, but now even finds herself questioning her own mental condition, as she sees us as so alike, that she may even have the same condition!
At the end of the day my wife will always tell me she knows I have good intentions and a heart of gold, despite the amount of pressure and hard work I cause her in trying to help me understand things I perceive wrongly! But I live her for it! And we are mad for each-other really! It's the Aspergers we hate really!
It isn't always a curse though, it makes me very creative and inventive in the things I do and a dedicated husband (as long as I am not influenced too much by others who don't actually really know what is really going on when we fall out!) perfectionist, and loyal!
Still learning by ear, and the books often make matters worse, although I posted a new blog entry about an Aspie author who seems to have cracked the whole issue of reading a book about AS and immediately feeling categorised, frowned upon, and invaded, why trying not to feel even worse that you did when you thought a book might actually help! It is never fun having it read to you either, being told how rubbish you are at living life normally, and feeling like a dumb little helpless child!
I often an pre occupied with the worry of being read and labelled wrong no matter what, with that feeling of condescendence upon me too! Most uncomfortable feeling in the world! And feelings of having lost control of even myself and my own actions! Helplessness! Ultimately is the feeling of wanting curl up in despair in a virtual bubble of silence and darkness!
I even ignore cues that my conscience tells me, and even do the opposite of what I know is the right thing to do! I often find it hard to be protective as my past has caused a deep fear of getting things wrong no matter which actions I take or words I say!
Well I tried to keep it short and accurate, failed a little!
But hey, now other people know how hard life can be and how much your confidence can be crushed by just having this condition.
And I hope that your story and mine will reach out to other people alike, and those who need to know what life is to be an Aspie, and how even our own minds and the Situations we create can feel like prisons and torture despite good intentions and feeling of enforcing justice and correctness!
I hope also that this will compelling others to write about their experiences and learnings, and help the medical and social world understand more about who we are and not what we are, or do, that we are not dumber or arrogant, unthoughtful.
I want people to know that this IS a condition, and not an illness or disease, and that we deserve respect and compassion, and not ridicule for the things we cannot control!
Also see a previous post of mine: Asperger's Syndrome: the IT industry's dark secret
